Fake It Till You Make It

The other day, my younger sister sent me a text asking how my fiancé had done on his first semester of law school finals. All three of us are in school working on Master’s right now, in a variety of subjects, having returned to school after years in the work place. I responded that he’d done well (my opinion) – he’d gotten a B and a B+ so far, however he thought the outcome was so-so, and was being a bit hard on himself as a result. I condensed this information into a text response, to which my sister replied that she understood his position, she too is similarly hard on herself. Playing into my typical role in our family, I messaged her back, “You two should both be more like me – I think I’m amazing!”

 
I’ve come a long way from the days when my thoughts were quite the opposite. When I was growing up, I was very, very hard on myself. Similar to many who have struggled with ED, almost like clockwork, I developed bulimia at age 12, right around the onset of adolescence. Regardless of the strong set of supports that I had in place through out my life, I fell into a spiral of self-loathing and angst. Everything seemed difficult. Years passed and the feelings and the ED behavior continued.

 
As my freshman year of college closed out, an especially rough one on my poor body, a real sense of my own mortality rose within in me, and I went from feeling invincible to be concerned for my health. I realized that, for all the love and support we might have in the world, we are ultimately responsible for the outcome and direction of our lives. No one can give us happiness or fulfillment. The realization of being alone in this regard wasn’t lonely, it was empowering. No relationship with a friend or a guy was going to make me feel whole, because nothing external was going to. All of the ability to feel the way that I wanted to lay square within me. And I was ready to take that responsibility and make a change.

 
So I started giving myself the pat on the back that previously, I had expected and desperately needed everyone else to give me constantly for so long. I reminded myself that getting healthy was going to be hard and uncomfortable at times, but it had to be the priority, and I was going to fake it till I made it. It was not going to feel natural or authentic to start, but I needed to practice living like a healthy, confident person with good sense of self and esteem, in order to become one.

 
I sought the help of a number of therapists at different points during the years of my illness. While I know that they helped in a variety of ways, it wasn’t until I had a modicum of commitment to getting better that I was able to make inroads into the roots of it. This therapist was a woman that I began seeing when I was eighteen. She described the mind and decision-making part of us as the “adult-self,” and the vulnerable, emotional part as the “inner-child.” It was the adult’s responsibility to take care of the child by making good, healthy decisions to keep the child safe. With this in mind, I started to make decisions by checking in with my inner-child. “Does this feel safe? Is this going to be the best decision in the long run?” I stopped acting tough, and I started being real. I reminded myself that I was lucky to be alive, to have a life, to have a family and friends, despite any difficulties I had experienced. I wasn’t perfect, and I was never going to be – nobody is! But I had to take care of myself, because there was only one me. And I began to nourish myself, with healthy food, and sometimes less healthy food, and visits to the gym. I didn’t lose weight, and I didn’t expect to and I didn’t need to. But I felt a whole lot better about myself. I started taking Pilates, and found that connecting to my core muscles gave me a sense of inner strength. Slowly but surely, I began to love myself. As my confidence increased and I set boundaries in my life, the way others related to me changed as well. I was teaching other people how to treat me, based on the way I treated myself. Slowly, all of my relationships began to improve.

 
My un-wavering commitment to myself manifested into an ED free me, and the empowerment I experienced in getting over that major hurdle in myself carries through into the work I do with people today. I am utterly fulfilled by my life. ~ Sara

Someday Melissa’s position as an organization is clear. We know how triggering some images and information can be and we are careful to avoid them. When the film Someday Melissa, the story of an eating disorder, loss and hope was in production, we were vigilant about not including any mention of weights, numbers or any behaviors that might be triggering or could promote disordered behavior. When we post articles on our Facebook and Twitter pages, we are conscious not to share news, blogs or stories that may be contradictory to our commitment to responsible education about eating disorders.

For the past several weeks, there has been a great deal in the media about social media, body image and eating disorders. After the blog site Tumblr was criticized for allowing content that promoted eating disorders and other forms of self-harm, the company announced that they would revise their terms of service to ban active promotion of self-injury and self-harm. Emerging social media photo site Pinterest soon followed suit and changed their terms of service to discourage these practices as well.

Other social networking sites like Facebook have also been scrutinized for their role in influencing body image. A survey by The Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt found that 51% of respondents reported that they were more conscious of their body and weight because of seeing photos of themselves and others on the site. 32% also stated that they felt sad when comparing photos of themselves to those of their friends.

However, it is important to emphasize that social media itself does not cause negative body image or eating disorders:

“According to Dr. Andrea Vazzana, clinical assistant professor of child and adolescent psychiatry and psychiatry at New York University, while evidence shows that even looking once at these sites can raise an individual’s body dissatisfaction, pro-ana pages aren’t likely to cause an eating disorder. But for those who have an eating disorder to begin with, these websites can be deadly.” (CBS News)

Although we know that social media sites have the potential to encourage negative body image and play a role in the development of eating disorders, they can also be used to promote positive and healthy perspectives on eating and bodies. At a recent event at Harvard University, Vogue Italia editor Franca Sozzani unveiled a new campaign by the magazine to create a global network of blogs and websites that promote positive body image. They support those who are seeking help by providing accurate information on eating disorders as a counter-action to the pro-ED sites.

Every day we see the positive impact that responsible use of social media can have on spreading a message of hope to those struggling with eating disorders. Through social media sites like Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, countless individuals, treatment centers and advocacy groups around the world have learned about Someday Melissa and support our film and organization. Melissa’s story and her dreams for a future are inspiring others to reach for their own “Somedays”.

The irresponsible use of social media to promote triggering and damaging images and information may not stop with these new policies and initiatives, but we will continue the good fight – one social media post at a time.

That sentence jumped off the page when I read it in the following blog post, written by a young wife and mother now living all her “Somedays…”. I often write about the difficulty of believing in a future when you’re in the battle against an eating disorder. Laura’s words will inspire you to believe in that future and to fight for all your “Somedays…”. ~ Judy

Reprinted with permission:

Someday…

“….I’ll eat breakfast, I’ll keep a job for more than 3 weeks, I’ll have a boyfriend for more than 10 days, I’ll love someone, I’ll travel wherever I want, I’ll make my family proud…

I’ll make a movie that will change lives.”

-from the journal of Melissa Avrin

Melissa did not live to see all of those somedays happen. In 2009, at the age of 19, she died of complications from bulimia.

Melissa’s mother Judy, on the other hand, is making the last statement of that journal entry a reality, by sharing Melissa’s story with the world via the documentary . I finally had a chance to see the film last weekend (thanks to EDN of MD) and it has taken me the last few days to really process the experience.

I saw so much of my own family’s struggle in the stories Melissa’s parents and brother told about the beginnings of her eating disorder- the fear and lack of understanding that accompanies any new condition in any family, exacerbated by co-morbid depression, anger and hopelessness on the part of the person struggling. I’m still not sure I can imagine the pain a parent must feel watching their child overtaken by the beast of eating disordered thinking and the frustration an entire family faces in trying to tiptoe around the minefield of taboo and triggering conversations, comments and gestures. Watching this documentary gave me an incredible sense of empathy for my parents and sister, as I know the pain Judy Avrin felt watching Melissa fight her battle with bulimia was the same pain my parents must have felt.

I was struck by Melissa’s desire for a different life, and heartbroken that she never got to experience the world and adulthood free of bulimia.

Once upon a time, I made those same lists in my journal….

Who I want to be in 6 months: (written at age 22)

Someone who doesn’t lie

Able to eat a meal in a restaurant with out freaking out

Actually following a meal plan

Less rigid

Not weighing myself (at ALL)

More fun

Someone who has friends without eating disorders

I also created a list for who I wanted to be in a year (age 23):

Living in a city

Financially independent

Host a dinner party

Have an actual circle of friends again

Travel… somewhere?!? Anywhere!

Work with teenage girls in some capacity

But wait… here’s the kicker, on that same day, I also made a list of who I wanted to be in 10 years… (age 32, I’m 33 now)

Be in a committed relationship/married

Be fully recovered

Eat for eating’s sake, no focus on calories or good/bad foods

Not be in debt

Ready to make a decision about having kids

Be a therapist specializing in eating disorders, maybe open my own treatment center

Have creative outlets- writing/art

As it turns out, the majority of the items on the last list have happened in my life. I don’t work with people with eating disorders and I won’t be opening my own treatment center any time soon, but I do volunteer in the field and feel my career has moved in a healthier direction by working in a school setting. When I wrote this journal, on October 20th, 2000, I was supposed to be finishing my last semester of college, but instead was teetering on the edge of what would have been my third withdrawal from school due to weight loss and really out of control eating disorder symptoms. My therapist asked me to keep a list of who I wanted to become, because I was having such a hard time feeling any sense of hope about the future.

I have looked at the above lists from time to time over the years, and they’ve always struck me deeply. My transformation from sick to well did not happen overnight, but I truly believe writing this journal entry was the beginning. I found hope for recovery by envisioning a future which slowly rescinded the control my eating disorder had over my life, and little by little gave me back power over my choices and actions. Having goals expanded hope. Having hope helped me do the work of refeeding and restoring weight. Having my weight restored helped me see my life and my issues more clearly. Having clarity helped me move on.

I wrote those lists when I was deeply entrenched in eating disorder thinking and behaviors, never fully believing the items could become a reality. Most of them have. I do not know how or why my body withstood some of the torture I put it through, but I wake up each day with a deep gratitude for my body and my health… And a promise that in my health, I will help others find hope.

If you are interested in seeing or buying the documentary, Someday Melissa, click here. Kudos to Judy Avrin, Danna Markson and Jeffrey Cobelli for a beautiful film about eating disorders, loss and hope.

You can read more about my recovery here.

Our Events page was filled with screenings that were held in high schools, colleges, health care centers and local movie theaters around the country. Screenings and discussions took place in Florida, Illinois, Indiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Missouri, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma and Virginia. Several were scheduled in the weeks before NEDAwareness Week and still more are coming up in the months ahead.

On February 28^th, NEDA hosted a screening in New York City at Pace University, the same day that the Empire State Building was lit in NEDA’s colors of blue and green. Although the size and makeup of audiences varied at each screening, there was a common thread that highlighted the importance of the week. This was illustrated when Diana Williams, WABC-TV news anchor and panel moderator at the NEDA screening, posed the following question: “The theme of this year’s NEDAwareness Week is ‘Everybody Knows Somebody.’ I’d like to see a show of hands – how many of you know someone who has been impacted by an eating disorder?” Some hands immediately shot up, while others tentatively followed suit. Soon the auditorium was filled with raised hands. It was a powerful moment that emphasized why NEDAwareness Week is so important. Eating disorders do not only impact those suffering, but also friends, family and loved ones. It is a disease that is ignored all too often due to stigma, shame and silence. Each hand that was raised helped to break the silence and shout “I know somebody!”

I told students at a college screening last week that when I was their age, no one ever talked publicly about alcoholism or breast cancer and that my mission is to help break through that same wall surrounding eating disorders. A short time later, a young woman hesitantly raised her hand and said that she’s been in recovery from bulimia for 3 years and that my words gave her the courage to say it out loud.

We would like to thank everyone who attended a screening and let us share Melissa’s story with them, as well as the film facilitators and sponsors. Even if you could not attend a screening, every post on Facebook with words of encouragement, every reply on Twitter, every DVD ordered helps us with our mission: to educate about eating disorders through Melissa’s words and images. We could not do this without your support.

Although the week has come to a close, our work at Someday Melissa is far from over. NEDAwareness Week has started the conversation about eating disorders, but we need to keep the dialogue flowing every week and every day. Year-round, let’s raise our hands and make the statement that “everybody knows somebody.”

Thank you my sweet Melissa for changing lives.

On behalf of my Someday Team, Love, Judy

That’s how I like to remember her.

There was total silence for half a minute before the lights were turned on. I was grateful for those 30 seconds that would allow the audience time to catch their breath. As the lights came on, I walked to the front of the theater. I knew from past screenings that there would be a lot of questions, but they wouldn’t come for a few minutes. So I began to speak. I told them that I understood the impact that Melissa’s story, my family’s story, is having on audiences. Jeff Cobelli, the remarkable young man who directed the film was standing beside me and I told them how the idea for making the film was born and how we met.

I told them about the impact that Someday Melissa is having on the world of eating disorders. About the emails I get from around the world: from Germany, England, Australia, Chile and more. From across the country. From people who had been struggling in silence but Melissa’s story finally gave them the courage to tell someone. From others who finally admitted they had a problem and reached out for help. And from others who were inspired by Melissa’s dreams of “Someday…” and how her story had given them encouragement and the determination to keep fighting. Given them hope.  I told them about the messages of recovery.  From people who continue to write to tell me of their recovery and the healthy lives they’re living that they never dreamed possible.

The first hand tentatively went up and then others followed, one after another. What advice would I give other parents at the start of the journey? How can we get the message into schools? Why are eating disorders so difficult to treat? I was asked what the process of making the film was like for me and Jeff was asked what it was like to film such emotional interviews. The questions continued.  I told them to download the Parent, Educator, Coach & Athletic Trainer Toolkits that have been developed by the National Eating Disorders Association and give copies to their children’s teachers, guidance counselors and coaches.

There were several therapists in the audience who treat eating disorders. I deferred to their expertise in responding to some of the questions since I make it clear that I’m a mom, not a professional. One of the most powerful moments, echoed by others, was when one therapist expressed her gratitude that Someday Melissa is a documentary about bulimia, because most films are about anorexia and people don’t understand how deadly bulimia is.

It had to be about bulimia.

That was Melissa’s story.

~ Judy

Yesterday morning, a Google Alert led me to a powerful article written by her father, Mark Baldwin, Editor of The Republic in Columbus, IN.

~ Judy

Reprinted with permission:

Openness about eating disorders overdue.

Although we don’t exactly shout it from the rooftop, my family never has hidden the experience of our middle daughter’s struggle with anorexia nervosa, the eating disorder that leads some people — and especially smart and pretty young women — to starve themselves.

Very often, the conversation produces a flash of understanding.

There was the baseball executive. The City Council member back in Wisconsin. The fellow parishioner. The neighbor. The casual professional acquaintance.

All had firsthand experiences with eating disorders.

Surprised? You shouldn’t be.

After all, the theme of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, to be held Feb. 26 to March 3, is “Everybody Knows Somebody.”

Lynn Grefe, president of the National Eating Disorders Association, pegs the number of Americans battling a form of the illness — anorexia or one of its evil cousins, bulimia or binge eating disorder — at 24 million, a figure that dwarfs the number of those suffering from, for example, Alzheimer’s disease, estimated at about 5.4 million in 2011.

Some estimates put the eating disorders number as high as 30 million.

“The piece that’s missing is ‘eating disorders not otherwise specified,’” Grefe says. “That’s probably where most people are.”

To put it simply, that means sufferers are prone to bouncing pinball-fashion from anorexia to bingeing to bulimia.

Here’s one more fact to make you shiver: The mortality rate for eating disorders is higher than for any other mental illness, with death typically resulting from medical complications or suicide. And anorexic patients remain at higher risk for premature death for years after treatment.

One key to reducing the awful toll is to raise public awareness. Ignorance of eating disorders, their warning signs and their long-term effects is widespread. Teachers, coaches, physicians and plenty of others who ought to know, don’t

And that brings me to Daughter No. 3, a clever and articulate lass named Jane, who was required by circumstances beyond her control to transfer to Columbus North High School before her senior year. With the change of schools, of course, came the requirement that she produce a senior project.

Almost on the fly, Jane decided to draw a positive result from the experience of her sister’s illness and make eating disorder awareness the focus of her project.

One result of her work will be on display at 6:30 p.m. Feb. 16 at Bartholomew County Public Library, where Jane will screen a documentary called “Someday Melissa,” the story of Melissa Avrin, a New Jersey woman who died three years ago at 19 after a grueling battle with bulimia. The movie was produced by Melissa’s mom, who resolved to make something good come out of her daughter’s death.

The documentary will be followed by a question-and-answer session with a representative of the Coalition for Overcoming Problem Eating at Indiana University in Bloomington.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by Jane’s choice of topic. The two sisters are best friends — except, of course, when they’re mortal enemies. They’re very different, but their bond is unbreakable.

Her sister’s ordeal has been a significant influence on Jane’s teenage years. Like alcoholism, eating disorders distort family routines nearly beyond recognition as the illness exerts a centripetal force that draws all things to it.

Life in a household struggling with an eating disorder can be isolating. After all, who else understands that for the sufferer, “dinner” can be a few strands of chicken breast and a lettuce leaf?

Let me rephrase that. It was isolating — until it became clear just how many families out there have dealt with the same thing.

That’s why I’m writing today. If an eating disorder has wrapped itself around someone you love — or if you simply want to learn more — head to the library on the 16th.

A six-week hospital stay provided Daughter No. 2 some valuable tools for coping with her illness, though eating remains a high-anxiety endeavor. A sharp, sympathetic therapist in Bloomington has made a difference. Still, you can’t wave a magic wand to make an eating disorder vanish.

If you know what I mean, we should talk.

Mark Baldwin is editor of The Republic. Reach him at 379-5665 or by email at mbaldwin@therepublic.com. Follow him on Twitter @MarkFBaldwin.

The article can also be found on: The Republic’s website

Changing Lives Together

The first time I read about Melissa’s story, something rang out inside of me. Our stories were similar. I knew the phrase “Someday…” so well. My journal had pages of my own personal “Someday” goals and aspirations. The most recent “Someday” I had written in my journal was: “Someday, I’ll be a survivor. Someday, I’ll overcome.”

At the time I first read Melissa’s story, I was sitting in a residential treatment facility. I was being treated for co-occurring illnesses. I had been diagnosed with bulimia, depression and anxiety. All of which had become debilitating; All of which I had suffered with for years. It was on day 13 of my 28 day treatment stay that I stumbled upon the Someday Melissa website. I was so close to giving up treatment at this point, feeling like I was never going to get better. But then I read her story and my eyes filled with tears. I understood her. She understood me.

It was in that tear-filled moment that I realized I shared Melissa’s dreams. I, too, wanted to change lives. While not with movies, but with writing.

I had begun writing a book about my life, my struggles, trials, treatments and the hope that I had found through out the years of my seeking recovery. I had given up on the idea of ever being someone who could make a difference and had stopped writing- until that night. I realized that I had a chance to make a difference. Melissa’s story is changing lives, and mine could too.

I picked up and continued writing my book, which is entitled “The Girl Inside” (set to debut in late 2012). I determined that I would use my journey to recovery to reach out and touch other people’s lives. I have become an advocate for mental health awareness. I want people to know there is hope, healing and that they can become survivors.

Staring at Melissa’s picture that lonely night in my hospital room changed my life. It made me realize I have to make a difference. I have to help save other lives. I have to join the Someday Melissa team in the journey of advocating awareness. Melissa has inspired me to step up, have confidence in myself, continue on in my recovery and share my story.

Thank you, Melissa. Your story has both saved and changed my life. Hopefully we can change many more lives together.

Lindsay Ensor

The prior year, at the start of 8th grade, Melissa began struggling with severe constipation. Her pediatrician prescribed laxatives and later sent her for an ultrasound, then referred us to a gastroenterologist who prescribed different laxatives. The problems continued. What I didn’t know, and I suspect most parents don’t understand, is that if the food isn’t going in, or if it goes in and comes out, the digestive system can’t function normally. It seems so simple in retrospect, but I had much to learn.

Although I didn’t yet know it, Melissa had been actively bulimic for a long time. Never overweight, she had gained a few pounds the year before; the weight gain I later learned that is normal and necessary for healthy development of the reproductive system. She told me years later that it was at camp the summer she was 13 that she began struggling with body image issues as the girls changed clothes in front of each other, compared their bodies and talked about boys. She decided to lose a few pounds.

Having struggled with self esteem and body image issues my entire life, I had always been careful never to comment on her weight and was secretly pleased when she started exercising more and making healthier food choices. What started innocently, with Melissa’s desire to lose a few pounds, rapidly turned into an active eating disorder behind our backs.

It was a long time before the signs of Melissa’s eating disorder became impossible to explain away or ignore. Of course in retrospect, they seem more like flashing neon warning signs that should have set off alarms. But why didn’t they?

What makes it so difficult for us as parents to see what’s happening in front of our eyes?

Adolescence by its very nature is a time filled with change. Beginning stages of disordered eating can be confused with “normal” adolescent behavior and early symptoms are easily explained away. Doctors and pediatricians often overlook the signs as well. People with eating disorders become incredibly skilled at hiding the behaviors and lying about them.

What does someone with an eating disorder actually look like? To many people, the image of a person with an eating disorder is someone who appears dangerously anorexic. But eating disorders come in many forms, with many disguises, and I later learned that bulimics are often within normal weight ranges or may even be overweight. Melissa had bulimia.

Then there is the shame. Eating disorders are considered shameful and parents don’t want to believe their child has one. However, the longer eating disorder behaviors continue, the more entrenched those behaviors become. Early detection and treatment dramatically improve recovery rates.

Although we ultimately did everything we could to help Melissa beat ED, using all the information, understanding and resources available to us, I have to live every day with the knowledge that critical time was lost in getting her into treatment. I have made it my mission to speak out and help raise parental awareness so other families don’t have to endure the devastating loss of their child.

The National Eating Disorders Association has developed a wonderful Parent Toolkit that provides valuable information. Read it. Educate yourself. Don’t close your eyes. Yes, it CAN happen to your child.

~ Judy

It was that time of year again, the time of final exams. I was helping a friend administer the final for her class, a large introductory media course that I had also taught a few years prior. As a seasoned part-time lecturer on a college campus, I knew the drill well: pass out exams, look for people possibly cheating and clarify the test questions.

This time I had something else on my mind as I strolled around the lecture hall. I was thinking about a person that I have never met. A person that never had the chance to sit in a classroom like this. A person that was gone from this earth all too quickly. I was thinking about Melissa. She could have easily been one of these students, who were mostly sophomores or juniors. A student sure of their future or trying to find their place on campus or in life. What classes would she have enjoyed? How would she have made her mark?

I wondered if any of these students were suffering in silence. I wondered if any of these students had a roommate, a friend, a family member with an eating disorder. I wondered how many could be helped by hearing Melissa’s story.

As I scanned across the classroom, I began to see Melissa in the students. A person that I never had the opportunity to meet, but whose life lives on. I thought about all who struggle with ED but make it through another day because of Melissa. I thought about all those who have seen the film and said “this is my story too.” I thought about the impact that Judy has made by speaking out about this disease that is silenced too often.

Melissa never had the opportunity to be in a class like this, but her spirit is in everything that we do at Someday Melissa. She has touched countless lives, even those who have not yet heard her story. After hearing about Melissa, you will see her face and hear her story in others. I know that I do.

~ Elizabeth

Such a simple question for a situation that had become so overwhelming over a couple of months. I’d had bouts of depression in the past, but never as lingering or as complex as the one that I had been experiencing that year. At the time I was working for a mental health non-profit and knew all the signs and symptoms of depression from memory: persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, fatigue (among others). In my mind, I was already diagnosed before my first therapy session was even scheduled. I spent the next 55 minutes spilling out every emotion, every mood that I had been experiencing. I was a textbook case of major depressive disorder.
Or so I thought.

I was also diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder along with major depressive disorder. Comorbidity, or the presence of one or more disease in an individual, is extremely common with physical and mental illnesses. In a 12-month period, 5-9% of adults have comorbid depression and anxiety. Although I was also educated about the symptoms of anxiety, in my mind I didn’t “fit” the diagnosis because I only saw my symptoms of depression. Without even realizing it, I was also relaying my symptoms of anxiety to my therapist: restlessness, irritability and constant worrying. In order to get help for my depression, I also had to seek treatment for my anxiety.
Just as anxiety and depression can be comorbid, eating disorders and mood or anxiety disorders can often go hand-in-hand as well. While not widely discussed, the statistics are eye-opening:

• 80% of people suffering from bulimia have also suffered from an anxiety disorder.
• Both anxiety and depression are frequent comordid conditions among those suffering from anorexia.
• In a 2008 study, 24% of bipolar patients met the criteria for eating disorders.
• As many as 50% of patients diagnosed with binge eating disorder also have a history of depression.(Source: Psychology Today and WebMD)

These numbers emphasize that treating eating disorders can be complicated, but that it is important to treat the comorbidity as a whole-body approach. Armed with my own diagnosis, treatment and education about comorbid depression and anxiety, I have learned a great deal about comorbidity and eating disorders since joining the Someday Melissa team. So often in discussions of treatment for ED there is an emphasis on treating the underlying causes of ED, but not often are depression and anxiety highlighted as accompanying the ED. Let’s break the stigma and bring all of these issues out in the open.

~ Elizabeth